Location: West Coast, United States

I have 2 beautiful daughters, 20 and 22. I just returned from long term treatment after many failed attempts to gain long term sobriety again. I am ready to share and listen and believe again.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Actions speak louder than words

Okay, I made a commitment to my recovery that things would be different this time. And today, things are really ahhh, different. I have had the urge to drink today, I have done the right things about it, but it's still uncomfortable.
Besides some complications at home, Indigo's comment on Alcoholic Brains blog really hit me hard.
Just when you think you have nothing left to lose in this disease, you lose something else. I have 2 bright beautiful daughters. My 22 year old Kayla has not spoken to me since probably February of this year. We were extrememly close. I have written her, I have called, I have left her alone, but God I miss her so much! She is so angry at me for the things I've done, and embarassed, and hurt I am sure. I just pray every day that she will forgive me. I know what I need to do, but it does not ease the pain. I actually physically ache to hold her, hear her voice. I don't know any coping skills when it gets this hard. I just won't drink. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I am still here, alive, and have hope. But right now I feel like I am just hanging on for the ride.
My roomate is hurting and confused and such a good friend, and I love him so much, but it seems like I can't help him either.
If you didn't notice by now, this is a real babbling blog. And today, I don't care about spelling or grammar, that in itself is a miracle for me. Thanks for being out there guys (and girls) when I can't get to a meeting and nobody answeres the phone. I will stay sober today.


Blogger butterflygirl said...

Keep praying and keep staying sober.

January 28, 2009 at 6:54 PM  

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