Wow, whoa, hello

It's been a very long time.....I forgot how much I miss this sight. I did veture out to a few other recovery sights. The first one was, well.....an experience to say the least.
The second one I found is a real recovery oriented, fairly new sight that has or is trying to start some online meetings. It has a few bugs but it's really neat to see people taking the time to start it. There is recovery there.

My personal interest in looking for online meetings is not so positive. At least for me right now. I am ill, with what I don't know, and I have lost all faith, or what I even had to begin with, in our medical system and the inhumane humans involved. Without alot of detail, I got out of treatment and began to really take care of myself on that phyiscal level we fail to find important in our drinking. Started physical therapy for my lower back.

Very quickly I began to have pain. My hands had been hurting some, blamed it on old age and overabuse. (My dad said hard work makes a person, he was my idol and I overdid it all my life. I am paying for that, and am accepting of life's every day aches and pains, but that is where the similarity stopped in it's tracks)

My shoulders feel like they both have bersitis, my knees and legs ache constantly. My hands work when they want, which is never in the morning and sometimes later in the day. I have been waiting 9-10 weeks to see a specialist referred by my specialist.
That brought me to online meetings. Isolation is one of my worst charcter defects, and now I can barely leave the house a few times a week. So I reached out.
I have no sponsor, but am so anxious to work the steps again for the first time.
I have made alot of effort to get to know women in the program and get a sponsor. I still don't have one, and no real "friends" except for my roomate.
When I came back to check in, I saw my last blog and some anti AA guy that sabatoged all my comment area. dAve was the last one I heard from. And of course my dear friend Megan.
Well, I know this is not short, but I am just babbling and updating and if I think too much I will end up deleting it all and perhaps waiting another 3 months and I don't want to do that. Bless all of you, and I thank my HP for the Joe and Charlie tapes, they have been a life saver. Hope to hear from you soon, any input would be welcome.

My hero

I just wanted my blog friends to know who my real hero is, Winnie the Pooh. Of course my higher power is a bit above him on my importance list, but I always end up coming back to Pooh. Maybe it's because I am so unlike him. Maybe I am jealous of his simplicity, maybe I would like to live in the 100 acre woods. Wait, that might be considered isolating from humans. :) I do love to collect quotes and just wanted to share a few that have real meaning for me.

Piglet slided up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?"
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.

"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."

I am a bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me.

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh

Gratitude

When I was in treatment, for six months, every evening we said three things we were grateful for, what we like about ourselves and how we were feeling. As simple as this was, it became ingrained. Enough that I woke up at home one night, talking in my sleep, saying "I am grateful for". That tells me it's probably something that would not hurt me to continue......so.....
I am grateful for...
My room mate
Sunshine
Moments of acceptance
What I like about myself is....that I didn't have to drink today
And I am feeling.....Contemplative, of what, I don't know. :)

Actions speak louder than words

Okay, I made a commitment to my recovery that things would be different this time. And today, things are really ahhh, different. I have had the urge to drink today, I have done the right things about it, but it's still uncomfortable.
Besides some complications at home, Indigo's comment on Alcoholic Brains blog really hit me hard.
Just when you think you have nothing left to lose in this disease, you lose something else. I have 2 bright beautiful daughters. My 22 year old Kayla has not spoken to me since probably February of this year. We were extrememly close. I have written her, I have called, I have left her alone, but God I miss her so much! She is so angry at me for the things I've done, and embarassed, and hurt I am sure. I just pray every day that she will forgive me. I know what I need to do, but it does not ease the pain. I actually physically ache to hold her, hear her voice. I don't know any coping skills when it gets this hard. I just won't drink. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I am still here, alive, and have hope. But right now I feel like I am just hanging on for the ride.
My roomate is hurting and confused and such a good friend, and I love him so much, but it seems like I can't help him either.
If you didn't notice by now, this is a real babbling blog. And today, I don't care about spelling or grammar, that in itself is a miracle for me. Thanks for being out there guys (and girls) when I can't get to a meeting and nobody answeres the phone. I will stay sober today.

No place like home

Well, I've been gone for quite some time, have a few of peoples addresses but no blog list as of yet. Just returned from jail and long term treatment. Ready to listen. Am home with my best friend Roy. I don't think I tell him enough how grateful I am to have him in my life.
I've learned alot about myself, and was given enough time to perhaps get my shit together and trudge this happy road of recovery. I don't give up easily, and when I did, my HP wouldn't let me, so, I give up in a good way. Glad you are all here, glad to be back.